Highs and Lows...

I'm having them big time this week. Why??? This is a good question. I'm missing Don like crazy this week. He loved the fall, and the weather getting cooler. He loved the changing of the leaves. He loved football and BYU games. He loved hunting with his boys. He loved fall clean ups in the yards. He loved this season. Maybe that is why I'm struggling so much.

I think it is about changes too with me. I'm moving next Friday to a new apartment. I've done this before so I know what to expect. I'm struggling with leaving my home that I shared with Don though. I'm worried that if I leave here, I'll forget the memories....and that I'll somehow forget him. You see here, I can walk into a room and imagine him sitting there. I can see him reading in the rocker with his reading glasses on. I can see him sitting in the hot tub. I can see him reading his Time Magazine and scriptures. I can see him asleep in the bed. I can see him fixing the sprinklers in the yard. I can see him getting ready to go motorcycle riding with his good friend Vern. I can see him tying his tie, to get ready for church. I can see him in so many places and doing so many things.

My apartment won't hold those memories or images for me.

I know that this will eventually be a good thing for me, but it's so hard to do. I've tried to be so strong and so upbeat and positive about all of this. (You know, the whole school thing and no job.) I know that all of this is what I'm supposed to do. It just doesn't make it any easier though. Moving is moving, and leaving our home is going to be hard. I guess it will be my final goodbye to him. That's probably why it will be so difficult to do.

I just want him back. Am I allowed to say that? I just want to go back to June 1st, and to play out the last five months again. I'd never go to Boise. I'd never leave him alone, without knowing that he was okay. And I wouldn't be alone now or struggling with school and moving.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a replay button that we could use a few times in our lives, for times like this? Don't tell me that these trials will make me stronger, or that you just never know what is in store for you. I don't want to hear that. Just let me whine and complain and feel sorry for myself for a bit. You know me, I have to do this once in a while. lol

So here's some good news. I took the unit one test today in Computers, and about started crying. It was so hard!!!!!! There were questions that were not in the things that I studied for the test. (It's a national test and certification.) Still, I think that we should have been prepared a little more. I mean, I haven't had this kind of a course before, so had no idea what some of it was talking about. It was a test of 45 questions, and the more I did the worse I felt. (I actually felt good when I started...cause I studied hard for it! Made up flash cards and everything!) So I have to get a 660 to pass it, and the more that I do, the more that I know that there is no way I'm gonna pass it. Luckily, it is graded automatically, so when I finished, I printed out my score...and I had a 667...I PASSED BY 7 POINTS! I was so relieved and so mad and so upset over it. (It's been too emotional today for me). I think that I must have had a guardian angel helping me through it. I could have taken it again next week, and paid to take it. But I was so happy to pass on the first time through and to not have to study more for it!!! I cannot wait to go next week and see how many people didn't pass. Now to just pass the next 2 units. lol This might be a long semester for me with this class!

Most of you know that I was able to drop out of English this week. The school accepted my English from Ricks, so I didn't want to stay in it, because of the homework. Although...it was one of my favorite classes. I had a few friends in it, and we had fun together. Oh well. It's been a load off of my mind, to not have to stress over it!

Tonight Lynne, my Relief Society president, had me over for dinner. Her hubby was working, so I went and we had so much fun. She's such a doll, and has been such a good friend to me. We laughed and we cried. It was a good evening and out for me. I've turned into a hermit as I try to stay up on things in school. And now I'm packing things up, so have even less time for things. Well, if I can just get moved, maybe I can relax a little, right?!?

I miss my life. I miss my old life. I miss my old old life too. Change is hard, but I've learned that we can either accept it gracefully or lay down and cry and complain and shut down. Today I choose to cry, but I know tomorrow I'll get up and move on. I'll pack things up and decide what to take and what to leave. Cause that's what I do. Oh I might have a hard week, getting ready to go. But I'll put a smile on my face, and embrace things eventually. And I'll embrace life, because you know what? I love life...and I'm so happy to be alive!!! (Even though it is so emotional and hard sometimes!)

Still...I miss Don.